POETRY

A List of Things I Could Have Used When I Found Out I Was Positive on 5.15.90

by River Huston

I AM GOING TO NEED a storage space, no,

a warehouse would be better,

somewhere large enough to hold

the shock and later to fit

in the anger, make that

rage. 

I will smile and cope the best

I can as everyone asks,

“Does this mean you are just HIV

positive or do you have AIDS?”

I will need a place to put my emotions as I calm you —

you being mother, father, daughter, son, friends, lovers.
 

I will need skin as thick as the doctors’, as each

and every one will ask me,

“How did you get it?”

and even thicker skin if I am thinking about

dating or disclosing.
 

I will need an interpreter to help me understand

the language of treatment, activism, disability

HAART, NNRTI, AZT, PI, NGO, STI, CD4

this language will need to become second nature so I can understand

what is expected

then I will need a hefty supply of No

No, I will not be a guinea pig,

No, you cannot talk to me that way,

No, you cannot have one more resident look between my legs,

No, I need to see a doctor not a nurse,

No, I can’t volunteer, you have to pay me,

No, I have not found your savior,

No, I am not the face of AIDS,

No, I am not OK.
 

I will definitely need people who will

never tell me it is going to be OK

OK is over     new game
 

I will need to gather all the reserves

each of us is born with

venture into that place reserved

for all those people

in the one moment before

they got hit by the bus
 

I am chosen     now I need to decide     victim / survivor

I will need lots of water, green grass, love, cookies and milk, naps, small animals,

time to myself, sex (yes, you can still have it), friendship, a full life, hope, faith,

forgiveness and a boost to get to that place where I am able

to cut the ties that have bound me my whole life

I get a chance to let go

because I have been given a glimpse

of the horizon in three little letters: HIV.

River Huston is an award-winning poet, author and journalist who is currently performing her one-woman show, Sex, Cellulite and Shopping: One Girl’s Guide to Living and Dying, across North America. Snippets from her book, A Positive Life: Portraits of Women Living with HIV, can be glimpsed on her website, along with photos of her dog, Buddy.

From POZ, Special Edition, Fall 2000. Reprinted with permission. Copyright 2000 POZ Publishing, L.L.C.

Decisions about particular medical treatments should always be made in consultation with a qualified medical practitioner who is knowledgeable about HIV-related illness and the treatments in question. MORE

Production of this Web site has been made possible through a financial contribution from the Public Health Agency of Canada.

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